Human Resources
An HR lady was just hired at work. This means two things. Firstly, I can’t get away with making inappropriate workplace jokes any longer, but that’s okay because I have this column to do just that. And secondly, I found out that women still wear obscenely high heels to work. At first, I thought it was restricted to our new one-woman HR department, but it turns out that others have been wearing high heels at my workplace for a while now. I had thought that women had stopped wearing uncomfortable shoes to work at some point between Ronald Raegan’s presidency and cat memes. Then again, I can’t remember the last time I set foot inside a corporate office, where I imagine high-heeled women are hidden away.
Most days I wear a T-shirt and jeans to work. HR hasn’t called me out for it yet, but I sometimes suspect it is considered improper. After all, wearing a bright yellow t-shirt with a blue cat floating in space with an astronaut’s vest and helmet on, with the logo ‘Refined Fools Brewing Co.’ that my mum got for me from salaula, is probably not the most professional attire one could wear to work. But then, what is considered professional? It seems job-specific to me: the mechanic has her overalls, HR her high heels, and the humour column writer his second-hand yellow t-shirt with an intergalactic, slightly tipsy cat. This got me thinking: what kind of job allows me to dress so casually?
I mean, I go to work and do things that count as work, but what is my job? I, for one, have no clue. And so I found myself walking over to HR – holder of things I try hard to avoid in my life: organisational diagrams, policy documents, and employment contracts. I thought I’d be told what my job was here, if nowhere else.
My employment contract mentions that I have some sort of expertise, that I’m expected to give so many hours to my employer, and that I have a funeral policy. That’s about it. Although I appreciate the far-sightedness of offering funeral plans to workers in their twenties, it turns out that HR doesn’t really know what my job description is, either.
So if I don’t know what I’m doing and HR doesn’t know what I’m doing, does HR know what it is doing? Put differently, does anyone know what they are supposed to be doing? To answer this question, I decided to contact one of the many wonderful institutional bodies Zambia possesses, the Zambian Institute of Human Resource Management (ZIHRM). My plan was simple: phone ZIHRM, trick them into pronouncing their acronym (every time I say ZIHRM, I think I have a lung condition), and finally ask what Human Resources really means. But I phoned them five minutes before the close of the day, partly because my daily siesta took longer than expected and partly to test whether they worked a full day. Turns out, like most of us, they don’t. Maybe they were also napping. Never mind. So I put the question to those who will one day run the world:
Sebastian: Briefly, tell me what HR is good for.
ChatGPT: Human resources are essential for recruiting, developing, and managing employees to optimise their performance and ensure organisational success.
Sebastian: What happens to my performance if I take naps during working hours?
ChatGPT: Taking regular daytime naps during work hours can improve productivity and alertness but may lead to potential conflicts with workplace norms and expectations.
Sebastian: Do you ever take daytime naps?
ChatGPT: I don’t need naps… But I think they can be a great way for people to recharge.
Is it possible to outsource HR to AI?
ChatGPT: Yes, it is possible to outsource certain HR functions to artificial intelligence, but tasks requiring human judgment and empathy still need human oversight.
Human oversight, you say? No wonder HR is always asking if I like cats, feigning empathy so she can somehow manipulate me into signing away my valuable pension scheme. Isn’t that what all employers want to do? Surely, that’s why HR has heels – easier to watch people from her ivory tower of documents and protocols that way.
